Today, I want to share with you few paragraphs (which will be part of my book) I wrote about guilt, this paralysing and self-condemnating feeling, that on various levels, at different times of our lives, we all succumb to.
"I am not to be forgiven, my torturer became victim in a glimpse. Shame is eating my soul and I have to face my darkness and my weakness. But there was too much pain, too much to bear. I numbed myself, I thought I did, when in fact I became even more cruel towards myself and instead of protecting the innocent girl that I was, I killed her slowly...watching her tears, her struggle, but I strangled her anyway reducing her resistance to silence. I blew her light, dragging her in the limbs of eternal night."
"I am not worth the love, the attention, the empathy. I am to be blamed for everything : for being like my father or like my mother, for talking too much or not enough, for being happy or unhappy, for being too kind or too fiery, for letting people walk over my head or for telling them the harsh truth, for stagnating or pursuing my dreams, for loving or showing indifference, in fact: for just being... Whatever I do, think, is wrong. A state immersing me in a life of uncertainty, misunderstandings, heartaches, depression. People always scream at me, are disappointed with me, as far as I can remember... Nobody asks me if I am ok, nobody tries to spend time with me to dissolve my loneliness; because not only I am the one to be recriminated, but I am the one who must be strong no matter what, when others wouldn't have survived the existence I had. I am a woman: Guilty is my life sentence since the day I was born."
"Guilt is a funny little thing, popping up at anytime, sticking with me like a chewing gum on a shoe when I thought I locked it in a box and threw the key away, fighting any coping mechanism I put in place. Its eagerness has no limits, feeding itself from forgotten memories, seizing and ripping off a lifetime of virtuous conduct."